A Man's dying Wife

Today I visited Grace and Peace Presbyterian Church. The pastor preached on Acts 11, where Peter is told in visions that he is now able to eat what once was forbidden. To be honest, I forget the point of the sermon, because of the news he presented to the congregation after the sermon ended. He told us that his wife Susan was recently (as of a couple weeks ago) diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS, which is a disease of the nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord that control voluntary muscle movement. The disease is degenerative and will eventual lead to death. Susan however only has upper neurological issues and it yet to be diagnosed with both upper and lower Amyotrophic sclerosis. This is significantly better, but she will be closely monitored over the next few months to see how the disease progresses. I’m writing you this both for my benefit and for yours. Pray for Susan and her family. Pray boldly that the Lord would heal her completely of this disease. Expect nothing less than a miracle from God.

I’m writing this for my benefit because for some reason, my heart ached as the Pastor spoke these words about his wife. I suppose this is an opportunity to sort out my thoughts. I have, a very difficult gift… or curse… of feeling deeply the feelings of someone with whom I come in contact. It doesn’t always happen. Sometimes things that I think should affect me do not, and at other times I am affected greatly by seemingly small problems or worries in a person’s life. Today tears welled in my eyes as I listened to this pastor, who seemed so strong in his presentation, speaking of the wretched disease overtaking his wife. I wondered at his ability to speak so clearly. Was he trying to be strong for us? Clearly he cared, so what enabled him to speak with such clarity? He wavered slightly in his speech and two men from the congregation rose to meet him at his side. They put their arms around his shoulders, one on the right the other on the left. Oh how great the blessing of community. The pastor continued to speak to us about his wife and what was going to happen in their lives as a result of this new illness. He said that part of the disease affects Susan’s emotions, which presents in random fits of crying. The pastor said in broken speech that she is currently in the nursery with the children, and that this may be by God’s grace. I didn’t know what to think.

            My mind raced trying to make sense of what he was saying. I felt my heart begin to speak to God, pleading that he spare this one. “Does it have to be her?” I asked. “Lord, do you have to take this one? Please Father, spare this woman and give her back her health. Lord, you gave us your Son. You have already given us all things. So God, heal this woman.” I was nearly indignant with pain in my chest. It shouldn’t be this way. There shouldn’t be sorrow like this. People should not have to say goodbye to their spouses, watching them lose all function of their muscles, until they die a lump of still body lying in a bed. Disease is despicable.

I felt his pain as he spoke about his wife. He said that there would be a time to pray over Susan in the next week and he invited everyone to join. He asked that we “pray she would be healed.” We have to pray boldly, we must pray for miracles. I don’t know how it works, but God is both Sovereign and requires our prayers. Jesus loves us so much, that he makes our prayer powerful, in that He answers prayer. He desires to be in relationship with us. We plead with our God as a child asks for food from her Father, knowing that with Him she cannot even reach the table. Jesus has ordained all things, including our words to Him. So I say we pray against the possibility that Susan is not healed. I say we pray against anything that is not fully redeeming her from illness. I don’t understand how it works, but I know two things: I know God delights to heal his children by answering their prayer, and I know that this is not how it is supposed to be. I know the Lord does NOT desire her sickness. Disease is a result of the corruption of sin that entered this world when Adam disobeyed. I know this is true.

I felt the confusion of not knowing why. Why oh Lord is it this woman? Why oh Lord do I care so much, I’ve never even met these people? Why not me? Why not me? This question resonated again and again banging against the walls in my head. Why have I been chosen to be a son of the Living God? Why has he looked so favorably on me? Why do I not have this disease that Susan has? What is His plan? Why does it have to be this way? All Christians wrestle with these questions if they are honest with themselves. Maybe He doesn’t let me know because it’s better for me that way. Maybe the secret things of God belong to him because He wants to spare me the burden that is on His shoulders. Shoulders so strong holding a weight only he can bear. Isn’t it true of us that we want to be God? Don’t we think we can bear some of His weight? I am comfortable not knowing why. I am ok letting God be God and trusting in his Words to me, “Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous” Joshua 1:9 The answer they don’t teach you in school is that for this question there isn’t an answer, and there may never be an answer. We rest in the truth that the Spirit has shown us and we trust Him by faith. It was because of God’s great grace that I believe. To know all things is to be God. There is only one God. So I will never know all things. I am content to let God be God.

As I traveled home and even now, I am having troubling shaking the sadness I feel for this pastor and his wife. I feel compelled to pray for her and ask deliverance from this disease. I wrestle with my feelings that I do not choose. We are taught in our counseling class that emotions (feelings) are neither right nor wrong, but simply are. We should never tell someone they shouldn’t feel a certain way. We must look to why people feel something, but you can never tell someone their feelings are wrong.

I wonder why God has made me feel this way? Maybe it is so I would write this blog. Maybe it is so I would pray. Maybe it is so I can be thankful that the disease I have (ulcerative colitis) is not nearly as terrible as ALS. Again, I don’t want to try to figure our God’s secret plan. How then should I respond? Perhaps our response should be just this: that we should morn death and disease. It is right to be sad and to feel pain when someone is sick. Mazare’ said encouragingly to me, “That God is sad too.” God doesn’t want this anymore than I do. In fact as much as I feel I am sad, my Father is weeping all the more. How great is our God, that he would be jealous for me. Exodus 34 How great is our God, that when I am sad, He cries with me. Jesus wept for Lazarus when he died. John 11:35 Jesus weeps with me. I have a great and awesome God, a God who not only created the complexities of the universe, but who holds me when I am sad. A father to whom I can come weak and broken. He is my Savior, my Father and my Friend.