Leaving Home

Well, I arrived in St. Louis as of Wednesday and it has been an absolute whirlwind of an adventure. The time leading up to leaving was definitely difficult, though because of the difficulties I didn’t even have time to reflect on how I was feeling or the fact that I was permanently leaving a city I had lived in my entire existence. In a weird way it was a blessing. God really brought me through some very difficult conversations with my family, exposing my sin, and bringing me to humility yet once again. I had to face conversations of different ideology, of deciding between wisdom and foolishness, of knowing when it was right to give to him who is in need or when I am casting my pearls to the swine, of trying yet again to honor my father and my mother, of trying to be my brother’s keeper, and of struggling to be all things to all peoples. The most amazing part was however, a conversation I had with my friend Callie. It was so very helpful, and really brought me to a realization of my actions.

            We had met for coffee during a huge time of stress for both of us. She was raising support for an RUF ministry in which she will be serving at Penn State (you should support her), while I was raising support for seminary and the both of us would be moving away to our prospective locations on the same day. We basically vented our issues to one another, while doing our best to encourage when we ourselves felt no ounce of encouragement in us. It was during this vent that I realized something fundamentally wrong with my story. I was explaining all of the stress I was feeling and that I felt like my own family was paying my leaving of Pittsburgh no heed, when I remembered something so very important and vital… I had explained to Callie a feeling of doing something wrong like I was sinning in some way and that I was having trouble figuring out what it was.  You see I have never moved away before, and despite the great stress, fatigue, pain, weariness, anxiety, that I felt, I realized that God was taking an opportunity to teach me yet again about His great strength and my great weakness. I realized at this pivotal moment that the reason I had this feeling of wrongdoing was because I in fact was doing something wrong.

            I had so wanted my family to be there for me, to support me as I left, to be there to say goodbye and to spend time with me before I was to depart, that I forgot that it is not their job to serve me, but my job to serve them. I was selfishly using my family for my own means, rather than being Christ to them. I was putting expectations on them and desires that I wanted, but I wasn’t asking the question, “How can I serve them.” This conversation brought out this truth. Oh how great is the love of community and how necessary to expose our sin.

            The lesson I learned was that even in our weakness when we feel sick or fatigued, downtrodden, or hurt, when life is unfair or darkness has crept in, at that time we do not say “oh how the world must bend to me or how unfair” but it is in this time that we must cry, “Lord Jesus, use my weakness to thy Glory, that you may be made great and I be made small.” It is at this time are we given the precious opportunity to show the love of Christ, to give when we have naught to give, to speak when we have no words, and to love when we have no capacity to love. For it is in this time that our strength comes not from ourselves, but from our Lord Jesus Christ, who uses the weak to show that He is strong.

            So I was reminded yet again, that even though I was moving, I was in pain, I was in need of emotional support, love, and grace; even then it was not about me. I think this was for me so profound because I was ashamed. I was ashamed of projecting this image of Christ to my family who do not believe. I was ashamed that yet again they could see me sin and see me weak and vulnerable. Yet I am sure that as God works all sin to the good of those who love Him, that in this moment he did just that. I’m not sure how He did it, but even though I failed, Christ was still exemplified.

            I left for St. Louis remembering this event, how weak I felt, how fragile I was in my little car over-packed with boxes and books. I left praying the Lord to take care of me on the trip, knowing that I could not make it alone. It hurt to leave such wonderful people who have loved me so well, to say goodbye and embark on another adventure. It felt selfish in some ways, and yet I was comforted by the loving hands that let go of mine, of the assurance in their faces, and their words that gently nudged me forward. Yes in this moment they were being Christ for me, in pointing me away from them, although they love me and wanted me to stay, they laid their lives down, and let me go. My friends have so lovingly been Christ to me these many years, have shown me the Gospel, have reminded me of sin, have walked beside me and so many times carried me through the mire and muck. They dove head deep into dark waters with me, not knowing what lay underneath, yet willing to fight beside me, as together we relied on the strength of Christ.

            I look forward to the day, that beautiful day of redemption, when we will love each other as Christ loved us, when there will be no more times to say goodbye, to leave relationships, to press on through darkness holding hands because we cannot see each other’s face. One day there we will be, face to face, light all around where darkness no longer hides and the beauty that our maker has put in the soul of every man will shine as bright as the stars in the heaven. Yes, even one day we will see Jesus face to face.

            So here I am barely a week after arriving, and Christ has already set me in a community, He has upheld my health another day, He has given me countless Churches to attend, people to meet, and a school where I can study His word and grow deeper in my relationship with Him. He has supplied me with outstanding housing, (the best on campus) and a group of guys who desire to share Christ’s love with one another, to be brothers, and who believe in community. Even as I write this I am sitting under a sycamore tree, outside the old farmhouse that is now Edward’s hall with the breeze on my face and a warmth in my heart, for today is the Lord’s day, my favorite day of the week. I think my time here will be good and if this is just the beginning then God’s grace is already overwhelming me.

            I can’t wait for heaven, but the taste we have now is sweeter than sugar and outlasts all pain.